01.15.26
This time last year I was sat inside an Indian restaurant explaining to my friend how afraid I was that I was going to die, and soon. I had this real unrelenting sense of impending doom, of an inescapable death, and I don’t know why. I was really emotionally exhausted after having two relationships fail within the weeks of each other. I felt so tired, so drained after feeling like I was being pulled in two directions at once before both forces just stopped entirely. I don’t think I handled/approached either situation correctly. I don’t think I really did what I could to try to fix the problems, but I became so worn out that I just couldn’t have been bothered to try to maintain those, and other, relationships. I didn’t have the energy to try to be anyone, a friend, or a companion, or a confidant for another person.
01.27.26
I don’t really remember what message I was trying to convey with my earlier writing. I mean shit it’s been almost two weeks since I wrote it, and reading it back doesn’t really dig anything up for me. But now I’m sat in my room at 3:30 in the morning, eating a bowl of yogurt and oats, and watching a movie, the name of which I will not disclose.
I think I wanted to compare where I was at the beginning of last year to where I am now, and who I was then to who I am now. Granted, I don’t really think I’ve changed a whole lot, if at all, in that time, but I am objectively a different person now than I was then. I was fortunate enough to have those relationships that failed come back to a place of friendliness even if they were not as close as they once were.
01.28.26
Jesus Christ man, I really can’t finish a thought to save my life. I could lie and just keep writing under that illusion that it’s still that same day, but this blog is hardly seen enough or of enough consideration to give a shit, really. I think something like 40 hours have passed since I last wrote in here, and now I’m in a different place, doing different things, trying to convey the same message I started with two weeks ago. I wanted to write about people’s values and worth in the eye’s of others, and how that shapes some relationships.
I’ve known many people, many friends who would come to me about some relationship trouble they were having, or some difficulty in a friendship, and while I don’t have a lot of authority in those topics, I would try to help where I could. I feel like in many of the situations the person was having some difficulty in how they felt they were being perceived by the other party. Again, I don’t really think I have much in the way of great advice, but I do appreciate when friends come to me with these things. It makes me feel reliable, like a good person.
I think most of the time I would say the same thing, regardless of the situation or the individual. “You don’t owe them anything.”
02.01.26
I am a massive hypocrite. I probably always have been. I can write in here up and down talking about the advice I give to others, and about how I find myself frustrated at others for being in those situations, but I’m no different. I give myself no audience when attempting to help others, I lend no ears to myself, but I acknowledge that.
I bind myself to people. I silently pledge an unadulterated, unwavering fealty to people and find myself annoyed when others question it. I’ll tie the thought of them to my ankle like a great weight, and even if I struggle or drown in some way because of it, I won’t fight it. I don’t know why. I do, but I don’t. There’s nothing in it for me, I don’t gain anything, if anything I probably lose a bit of myself in the devotion, but that never really bothers me.
I don’t know that I’ve ever felt like I owed something to these people for whom I deeply care and appreciate. If ever they were to tell me they expect something of me I think I would try to do that for them, but I know I often fail to meet expectations. I do these things and I feel this devotion and care for others while understanding that I don’t have to. I know I don’t have any true obligation to care about them, but I want to, and I think that’s where the confusion comes in for me. I have seen people wreck themselves because they feel like they need to do something for someone or be someone for someone else, and I like that’s unnecessary. If I were to feel like I had to do something or be something for someone but it fell on deaf ears because they never asked me to do that, I’d feel like a fool. Which I have many times, for one reason or another. I just hate watching people I care about destroy themselves because they aren’t being appreciated. Maybe I’m just talking out of my ass.
02.02.26
My yellowed teeth, my scarred fingertips, my empty bottles of fragrance. I think I become more observational in the winter, or maybe I just notice it more, maybe I’m less distracted. Maybe I’m more narcissistic. I do more reflection in winter than any other season, and I doubt that’s idea specific to me. I don’t know if it’s the lack of sunlight or the bland, muted life which that sunlight exposes, but I find neither all that attractive. I feel like because I so strongly dislike how the winter feels here I often times think back on times when it didn’t feel like this. When my life didn’t feel like this. I’m not saying that my life feels like shit the same way winter does, but they rub off on each other quite a bit. This season more or less just feels like a waiting period, like if I can just get to Spring then everything will be fine. If I can just trudge through this cold and desolate waste I can sit on a bench and watch the clouds slide above greener grass. Instead of being sentimental in my house because of the cold, I can be sentimental outside in a cool breeze. I don’t know, maybe I am just bound to repeat the same steps. It feels that way at times.
02.03.26
I found this letter in my mail. I will leave out surnames, but every misspelling and typo was in the original letter will remain.
The card reads:
Hope you had a Merry Christ-
mas +
a Happy New Year
Marty
The letter reads:
Dear Jon, (Sorry to say, I can’t recall Your wife’s or daughter’s names.)
Well, we had a pretty a pretty good dinner at Sara’s. She was counting on his (Scott’s) being there for dinner, but he was called in while she was gone. He got home after we ate, but we left food for him.
We started opening the presents when Sara got most of the dishes washed I got 4 puzzles and another from the (surname). too large heightwise. I got a 4′ Christmas tree, some ornaments from Keri, a 50 dollar gift certificate from Linda + Bill, a “Wicked” film from Kelly, Across from Sara, and more than I will mention.My friend, Sherri, and I will wait until Jan. 5 to see one another. She’s been sick for the last week, anyhow.
Sara cleaned out my place while I was in the hosp. In a way, I’m glad she did, yet she threw away many thingss I needed. I got a new chair. It’s an electric recliner withr a foot rest that raises and headmpiece that can be moved. She kept the footstool that went with my loveseat.
How did your Christmas go? Anything unusual? Well, I haven’t much more to write, so I’ll let you go. Have a nice New Year.
Your Aunt Marty
I hope wherever Marty and Jon may be that they are healthy and happy.
02.03.26 (evening)
Are humans cyclical? I know that history and weather and things of that nature, collective movements, have shown themselves to be cyclical at times, but what of individuals? People will fall back into their habits and make decisions that have already burned them in the past, but is it all their choice, or is it preordained? This is more rhetorical than anything, trying to make some part of this writing seem at least a little substantial. I suppose part of me wants it to be true that we are cyclical animals in our decisions. If that were to be true I could hold some comfort in knowing what to expect in my future, and having some semblance of an idea of what to say or what to do. It feels like I don’t know any of that right now.
I’ve never really questioned whether we have free will or not. I’ve never felt any draw to theology or trying to understand where we come from, or who we come from. I don’t understand the security some people feel in believing that they come from cosmically divine being. I don’t see how knowing that would change anything for me. That might stir me for a moment, but realistically I think I would carry on my business and my life the same way I did before. I’ve probably already discussed this in one of my earlier posts, but I just don’t really care to investigate the meaning of life, or my life, at least. I’m more than okay with my life being meaningless, at least in the grand scheme of things. Not to say that I want my life to be meaningless, but I don’t feel the need to fight for it to be more than what it is. I am finding more comfort in my life as of yet, though there are still things I wish were different.
I think I might take a trip south soon. That’s not a euphemism or anything, I mean driving somewhere for a day or an afternoon by myself. Maybe I’ll go to Columbus or Bloomington, who’s to say? Find out next time on Grub’s Dirt.
If you ever want me to write about anything in particular let me know, I run out of ideas very quickly. Love you.
Grub's Dirt 