03.03.26
I need to take a trip, go somewhere. I need to get away for a bit. Okay, I don’t need to, there’s no real urgency in this, but I would like to. I would like to see something different from the midwestern monotony I have seen for the last couple of years. I went to San Diego last year but, for some reason, San Diego always throws me into some sort of fugue state. The congestion of people, the absolute boundary with the sea, the complete lack of a feeling of community. There are pockets, neighborhoods, where that probably doesn’t ring as true, but where my mother lived was much more old white people barricaded in their brutal, sharp-edged, concrete mansions who only leave their homes once a week to drive the Bentley to the grocery store, or to take their wife on a vapid date to some exorbitant french restaurant. I don’t know, I just really dislike how superficial certain things feel out there. There are certainly aspects of the city that I enjoy, Balboa Park, the seaside towns, the coffee shops, the vintage shopping. There’s a lot to enjoy, I suppose I just have a knack finding the parts that I don’t like and letting those flood my mindspace.
03.09.26
Spring shows me beauty
I tried to find before.
What I had searched for
Many months prior.
Perhaps that is why
I wait for the flowers to come
So impatiently.
The winter strips me
Of all I was,
And the spring shows me
What I can become once again.
Mother nature heals my mind
Far more than any medicine.
The panacea that is sunlight
Makes the blight of the winter
Inconsequential.
So,
May the sun shine down upon me,
May the birds sing me a lullaby
The morning of every tomorrow,
And may the flowers be more colorful
Than any dying star.
She knows I have been trying to be
A better person,
Who loves and appreciates all that I can.
03.11.26
I hold those moments very dearly. I handle them with kids gloves, fearing I may tarnish them through repeated visits and recollections. I worry that they mean so much to me that the idea of them not meaning as much to those with whom I share them would make them less valuable to me. They get dug up in so many instances of little meaning and consequence. A car ride, a song, brushing my teeth, a time on the face of a clock. I don’t know if I’m searching for them purposefully, or if I happen to find them in times of struggle. Perhaps it’s just emblematic of my destitute resolve or my, I don’t know, I can’t think of the words.
I want to remember things as fondly as they felt in the moment. I want to feel as warm as I did then, but in the latency and the interim from that time to now, it feels as if that life and comfort has dissipated. It all feels colder now. There’s no more rose tinted glasses and even if they were to be seen through those lenses it feels like the saturation has faded. Maybe the colors only feel dulled and diluted because of a shift in who I am as a person, but I doubt that to be true. I think if that were to be true these things wouldn’t mean as much to me, but they do. Perhaps it’s just mounds and mounds of regret and second guessed thoughts that have bittered the original sweetness they held.
We, I, can never return to those times and moments that have passed, nothing can be changed that has already happened. I could think and think, and explain, and excuse, and apologize until my air gives out and my lungs burn, but it still happened. I can only hope and wish that those moments repeat themselves naturally, that they find themselves back to me, or that I find myself back to them. I don’t know where I mean to go with this. I feel like most of the writing I put in here is just some form of reminiscing, some sort of archive to keep some memory of things that I miss, but I share it with people so I keep it vague to protect myself from being too open. I don’t know, I’m starting to ramble.
These words, these sentiments I try to share and evoke through this writing never really feel like what I want to say or what I mean to say. Like, I know what I want to say, what I want to write about, but it just feels like running through pitch trying to type it out at times. It feels like an inner monologue getting choked out by a lack of certainty, but there’s no absolute in what is meant to be said here.
03.13.26
A flowing dialogue with different individuals, different points of contention, and often recurring themes and ideas. I talked to you, I talked to them, I talked to you again, I talked to someone else. I talk to them and think of what I said to you, I try to keep that continuance of thought, that stream of consciousness. I await their messages, I try to think of what to say next. The thoughts of every day interrupted by the dreams of every night and then I awake to try to posture my mind to where it was before. A song rehashes a conversation. The words of a song evoke the words of a conversation held on top of it. I reread messages to remember where I once was and what I once said. I once again come back here to talk about how often I am not present, how often I spend time in my past, how often I try to stay there.
I want to write with more profundity, more ambiguity and imagery, but holy shit do I read some of this stuff and think that I sound fucking crazy. I don’t realistically know how much longer I can keep writing these blogs because I just really and truly don’t know what to say, and trying to think of something interesting makes me fucking psychotic. And now it sounds like I’m having some sort of breakdown, but I’m just tired and depressed and sentimental and bored. I know there are a few people, one at least, I am talking to YOU now, maybe more, who do read these every time I post them, and for that reason I wish to keep posting semi-regularly. I want to create things of more purpose and substance and value, but I really don’t know where to go with that. I want to write more meaningful and impactful content in here for you, and I apologize that I haven’t yet, but I will try to do so in future posts, whenever that may be. I hope Spring brings me more inspiration and determination to write more and write better.
This post brought to you by my new playlist. It’s really good. I swear.
Grub's Dirt 